I used to think spiders. They creep, they crawl, they are everything evil. I would never touch one, but I can kill it and smash it. Yesterday, however, I realized this is not my greatest fear.
My greatest fear is… being alone.
It sounds a little wimpy when I say it, but its true.
When I was a kid, my family was constantly adding new members on a semi-annual basis. I have one brother and three sisters, all younger than me. So I was never really alone. I might every once in a while be alone in a room, but there was almost always someone around to talk with or just be with.
It is alone interesting given that I am an introvert. I need my space. I need silence. I need times when others aren’t trying to talk with me. That’s how I charge. So I guess that is my reason for never really seeing my true fear, this deep fear that hides inside me.
I have been able to experience the first indication more recently by moving out, even though I was moving in with roommates and I was not that far from everyone else I have ever known.
Then I went on a trip. Actually, now two trips being that I am currently on my second: both to far away places (California and Delaware) and both to places where I know no one. Each time now I have seen this fear face to face. Loneliness, seclusion.
There is no real moral to this or even steps to get rid of fear that I can give to myself. I am only just beginning to scratch the surface of where my fear is developing from. We are all only human and so I guess my first step is just acknowledgment.
I fear being alone.